Monday, March 7, 2011

Mommy and I saw a Thoracic oncologist, Dr. Jahan, at UCSF today. We were hoping that we could switch over to UCSF, as it is one of the highest ranking Cancer centers in America and since Dr. Jahan is extremely experienced in the field. Instead of making the switch immediately, Dr. Jahan recommended that we continue with our current plan of three cycles of Camptosar followed by a CT scan. At the end of April we will see him for a follow up and he will decide our next steps. I guess I thought that seeing him would change everything, that he would have some secret, surefire plan of attack that will extend my mom's life for years, but even he himself said that there is nothing more to do than to try different treatments and hope for response. So far, Camptosar seems to be completely ineffective. Mommy is coughing more and more each day, and her supraclavicular lymph node is swollen with cancer cells. I feel so completely helpless and useless because I can do nothing to make her feel better or heal her. In my mind, I had a plan. My mom was supposed to respond well and continue to improve with the first drug for one or two years, then we would start the second drug and she would continue to improve, and by the time the third drug stopped working, there would be new therapies, and she would continue thriving for decades. She would be at my wedding, watch her grandchildren grow up, and decades later, she would die from old age. We would tell everyone about God's healing powers and how she lived for decades even though her prognosis was 6 months to 1 year. Everytime we get a CT scan back, her life is shortened and shortened, and I lose more and more hope. My mom is so good, so loving, and I want her here with me forever. I've done everything I could to fight for her. I've prayed desperately every moment of every day and I've asked for prayer from everyone hoping that God will hear my plea. Right now, my mom is coughing non-stop, and the cancer is taking away her breath and her time here on earth. Where is God? Where are his miracles?