Thursday, April 28, 2011

the waiting room is so sterile, so cold
while you nap, i flip through a magazine
hoping to distract myself
from this difficult life
from the devastating news we would be receiving
from your suppressed coughs
suddenly you look up
you place your freckled hands on mine
and say, with utmost confidence
"i'm actually not afraid,
i give it all up to God."

your faith is staggering

and now, as i sit at my kitchen table
trying to make sense of all the bad news we received
"cancer has grown"
"less than 10% chance of working"
"maybe less than 6 months"
i replay that declaration of faith in my head
and my heart aches just a little less

mommy, i want to be just like you.

-Please start praying for tarceva, our last resort. It's known to work miraculously in young, Asian, non-smoking women with adenocarcinoma lung cancer. Mommy fits 4 out of the 5 characteristics, but Dr. Jahan says that not meeting that last requirement (she has squamous cell carcinoma) lowers her chance of responding to this drug to 10 percent. Tarceva is a targeted-cell therapy, which means that it searches for cells with a specific genetic mutation called EGFR. Mommy is negative for this mutation, but there's still a slight possibility that she will respond. This is our last option. We are desperate. Please pray for a miracle. Please ask God to prepare the drug and my mom's body so that there will be a positive response, so that there will be healing. Please ask Him for a miracle. Thank you, thank you, thank you! We really are amazed and blessed by all your love, your support, your prayers! You all are wonderful, the best commmunity we could ask for! Please share your prayer requests with us too so we can pray for you!


Saturday, April 23, 2011

A bag of tissues

I woke up this morning in a cheerful mood because for the first time this week, I got a full night's rest. My mom already left the house for a full day of fun in Japantown with her support group buddies, so I allowed myself to imagine that if she were still at home, she would tell me that had gotten a full night of uninterrupted sleep and that her cough was not bothering her so much today. I spent the rest of the morning in a good mood, pretending that things would be better soon, but for some reason, in the middle of watching "Easy A," I decided to walk into her room. My mom always keeps a plastic bag at her bedside to hold the used tissues that she coughs her phlegm into. This was the first thing I set my eyes on, and seeing the bag full knocked me back to reality. I estimated that there were about 100 crumpled tissues in there, which means that she probably woke up 5 or 6 times throughout the night and spent half of her 8 hours in bed laboriously coughing up liquid buildup in her chest. Alone. No one to hold her hand, no one to comfort her. She wouldn't let me sleep beside her because she didn't want to disturb my rest. Now, my heart hurts because I remember that every additional tissue in the bag means that cancer cells have taken over and destroyed another centimeter of my mom's lungs. My heart hurts because there's nothing I can do to help her.

I hope mommy is having a good time in Japantown. I hope she will come home with a bright smile and good news that she did not cough so much today.

Please pray for our appointment with Dr. Jahan this Wednesday. We will be getting out CT scan results and discussing the next treatment option.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Please pray for us! This is probably mommy's 7th or 8th CT scan. All this radiation is extremely dangerous for her body, so please pray that it will just pass through her body and not cause any more harm. Mommy is coughing so, so much right now, she was coughing up mouthfuls of blood the other day, and her left lung has been hurting. Honestly, we already expect that the CT scan results will show more cancer growth and spread. Please pray for hope and miracles. We're desperate for a miracle right now. Please, please, please.

Also, please pray that God will give mommy more time, at least until my graduation and our trip to Hong Kong. Please, please give her strength to attend my graduation and travel back to her real home.

Oh, and please ask God to give mommy a full night of sleep. She hasn't had a full night of uninterrupted rest in a long, long time.

Miracles, please.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Thank you, mommy!

Thank you for loving me every second of my 22 years of life! When I turned 21 last year, I remember asking Jeffrey Poon, "What if this is the last time I get to celebrate my birthday with her?" I am thankful for another year with my sweet mommy. My tummy is full and my heart is warm.

Here is a picture of my cutie holding the presents I got her for my birthday. Those are elephant watering cans. She told me to make the elephants "sek sek."

Also pictured is my fishy scarf from Becky. (:

I almost forgot! We have another chemo session tomorrow at 8:30am. Please pray for a miracle!